Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Cherish THIS: Memory Lane

Hey Babes!
How's your Wednesday going?
 
In case the title didn't tip you off, I will: today's post is of the personal variety.
 
How do you feel about your memories? 
I flip-flop between cherishing them and cursing their existance.  I'm an extremist through and through.
 
Today, I want to share some stronger emotional memories with ya'll.  Because they are pretty darn prolific for me.
 
I looked something like this that year. 2010
 The other day, while cutting my hair, a song came on that evokes a strong connotation for me.
Have a listen while I tell my story, bro:
 
 
"Just A Dream" came out in August 2010, around the same time my two-year relationship was reaching it's all-time low.  There was no trust, we were on the verge of a break up, and I was having a mental breakdown of my own, on the side, for reasons I'm not going to get into here (one story at a time).

And this.
We did eventually break up, only to "recover" or reunite a few days later, for a few more months.  During the time when we were back together, this song became one of my favorites to listen to (along with Eminem & Rihanna's "Love the Way You Lie," which speaks for itself, doesn't it?) -- I knew we weren't going to last much longer, and I had already accomplished my goal: proving to myself that I could stay in a long-term relationship.  I wasn't a quitter; I had overcome a lot to stay.
 
But we'd soured. 
I remember that during this period my boyfriend-at-the-time would come over for dinner - my family has always been inviting of accepted friends; so he ate at my house often.  I had recently become enamored with Cajan food, so we were making gumbo for my family, and I cranked this song while we cooked and my family joked around.
 
I realized that asking him out again was a big mistake.
It was a pattern of dependence; I didn't feel ready to be alone.
I didn't want all that effort to go to waste.
But I didn't want him, either.
 
I remember listening to this song and thinking that I wasn't as happy as I should be, as I'd once been; and he loved me more than I liked him.  I saw our disentanglement: it was a sticky, painful mess.
 
And that's what this song reminds me of.

I ended that year lookin' like this.
My hair has always been what I change when I'm stressed.
I have one more memory to share, so don't feel shorted, Lovelies. ;]P
 
My radio loves to play this one (the sadistic bi-yach), so listen while you read, ja?
 
 
 
As I mentioned before, we did break up for a few days.  Or, he broke up with me, but neither of us really wanted to break up, so . . . well, you know a little of the story.
 
At that time I had a blog called Kels' Corner - which I deleted in 2011.  [God,  how the journalist and writer in me regrets that - those were raw emotions, and those are so much more powerful and useful than a well scripted story.] 
 
Alas, I digress.
Anyway, we broke up while I was visiting him at his mom's house.  He'd received a laptop for graduation that year, so we'd been playing music videos before this all went down; and since we'd agreed to still be friends after the break-up, we listened to a few more songs before I biked home for the day. 

And this.
Why do I have long hair again?
Everytime it was his turn to choose a song, he picked this.  Now Lovelies, I'm a bit dense.  A lotta' bit.  Music is powerful and has it's own bite; each song tells a story and conveys a series of emotions - and while painfully obvious to everyone that has ever listened to country music, I really didn't see it at the time. 
 
'Didn't even really like the song, honestly.
 
Listening now, though, I'm reminded of that break-up.
The rushing feelings of:
relieve (I'm free!)
sadness (I think I'm supposed to feel sad, right?  Well, I am a little.)
elatedness (F-R-E-E, motherfuckers!)
contemplativenss (I suddenly have a lot of free time.  I guess this gives me more time to  . . . obsess.  Fuck.)
 
. . . all swirled through my head.
 
I biked home, listening to my iPod.  The sappy romantic songs didn't prompt emotion, the silly ones did.  All in all, I was a little down.
 
I told my family.  My mom bought me a candy bar to celebrate, my sister; a mango energy drink.  She also high fived me.
 
And that, tired readers, is what that song reminds me of.
 
Why did I post this?
 
Memories can be laid to rest when their shared - either through communication, writing; whatever.
 
And I think that it was time to let them go in a way that commemorates the lessons learned.
 
Do you associate songs or music with certain memories?
Share them below if you're comfortable doing so. ;D
 
Kelsey E. Benedict

2 comments:

  1. Aaaaaah you cut your own hair too? You do a great job of it that's for sure! My hair suffers when I'm going through some shit, but I've come to really enjoy the layering, razor-cutting and dyeing, so now it's become yet another creative outlet. As for musical memories, there are many songs I simply cannot listen to anymore and I've even had to give away albums because they evoke too many bitter memories. You know Black Milk have the Beetlejuice in wet look now and they're a bit cheaper at $60 - I'm told they're even better than the regular ones:). Thank you for sharing lovely. xoxoxo

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  2. thanks for sharing with us! and humm i have a few songs that remind me of some things, too but would end in pages full of drama and regretting o_O wondering if there is a song in my life that does not have that bad thing? will have to think about that a bit...
    <3

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Hey Lovely, thanks for your contribution to the conversation. :D♥

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